By Evan Falchuk

Being sick is bad, and for a million reasons.  I think the worst is the feeling of powerlessness.  Yes, there are terrific doctors and more new tests and treatments than ever.  But your fate depends on factors beyond your ability to control.

Doctors and nurses know this, because they see it every day.  But most non-clinicians don’t.  So the terrible reality of illness and the helplessness that comes with it is new, and difficult.  As a patient, or the family member of one, you look to the doctors in charge to help you make sense of this distressing and unfamiliar situation.  In an inherently uncontrollable situation, helping you deal with this is one thing doctors actually can control.

Most doctors are good at this to varying degrees.  But too many of them aren’t.

I don’t know why, maybe some people just don’t have the kind of empathetic personality it takes to really help.  Or maybe it’s just that it’s hard to be a doctor – you are dealing with a large number of patients and worried family members who may be unreasonably demanding.  But it’s no excuse, people in other customer service related professions deal with these kinds of problems every day.  And I can’t think of any reason why doctors should be held to a lower standard.

I don’t think it’s hard to define the things that doctors absolutely must be able to do in this regard.  I’m not talking about keeping their appointments on time – I can accept that doctors are busy and most of us are willing to put up with the inconvenience of that.    And I’m not talking about whether doctors have the skills and experience they need.  I’m talking about how doctors are seen by their patients and families, regardless of how well they deliver medical care.

Here are the three things doctors must understand about what patients and their families want from them.

1.  You want your doctors to pay attention to you.

Doctors are very busy, so you may only get a few minutes of time with them.  Doctors may not realize how immensely valuable those moments are to a patient’s family.  And so, too often, in their busy-ness, doctors check pagers or blackberries, or even take calls during these precious moments.  There are few things that can make you feel less important than having the doctor you’re looking to for comfort decide that some unknown call or message is more pressing than helping you.

In a business setting, this kind of behavior is just plain rude.  It’s that in a medical setting, too, but I think it’s worse.  It undermines the relationship of trust the doctor must have with the patient and their family, and needlessly hurts them in a time of great vulnerability.

So, doctors, with respect, stop doing that.

2.  You want your doctor to give you answers to the questions you are asking.

I recently observed an experienced and well-regarded doctor dealing with an anxious family member of a patient who had just been re-admitted to that doctor’s care in a hospital.  When asked what the plan was for the next 24 hours, the doctor chuckled uncomfortably.  I don’t know, he said, it’s just my first day back from vacation so I’m trying to catch up on things.  It was a terrible answer, even though it was true.

It would have been much better, and equally honest, to say: “I don’t know yet, but here’s what I am going to do.  I will talk to Dr. X and Dr. Y and review result Z and go and see the patient, and then I will call you to let you know.”  It’s also an honest answer, but it doesn’t leave the impression that the doctor doesn’t take the patient’s situation, or the family’s anxiety, seriously.

Most patients aren’t unreasonable about this.  They know that sometimes, there isn’t an easy answer to the question they are asking.  But doctors need to understand that patients and their families usually aren’t looking for the word of God.  What they want is just a sense that the doctor understands the situation and has some kind of an answer to the questions being posed.

3.  You want your doctor to give you the confidence that they are going to take the best care of you or your loved one that they can.

Most people aren’t asking for miracles.  But if a doctor gives the impression that he is distracted, or lacking confidence, or annoyed with you, they are undermining the relationship of trust they need to do their job effectively.  I appreciate that some patients and families are demanding, and, at times, unreasonable.  But doctors know better than anyone that those behaviors are often just signs of appropriate anxiety with a difficult, upsetting, unfamiliar situation.

So while the situation may be totally routine to you, it’s not to them.  Some of the very best doctors, instead of being annoyed at the ignorance of a family or patient, take advantage of their experience to calmly explain what’s going on and what they are going to do.

If you do this well, people will run through walls to support you in any way they can.  If you do this badly, they will run through walls to look for another doctor.

So, doctors, please accept my suggestions in the spirit with which they are given.  I have great admiration for your profession, your many sacrifices, and your dedication your patients.  Please help make sure your standards of service reflect the excellence of your care.